Love

I realize it's been a few months since my last post. Keeping up with this thing is going to be a bigger task than I thought...so updates and posts may continue to be spread out. I wanted to share one of my writings from my journal. It a little all over the place, but I think it will communicate some of the revelation the Lord has been giving me the last few months.

The consequences of sin turn a soul, a heart fearful. The sin nature leaves a heart searching for comfort, grasping to be covered, hiding from God and the world. Sin corrupts a heart so much that the heart is sin, a eternal slave to selfish fear and preservation. A heart held captive by it's own dark nature continually longs for more but still not wanting to change. Violence and force can not make a heart change because these are already in the hearts nature. Bombarding with suddenness, abrasive force are part of the vocabulary of a dark heart...they are of the same substance. Only something foreign can change a dark selfish heart. Only the brightest light can change a race of dark hearts. Only love-pure love can pierce such fear, such selfishness. Only selflessness can set free selfish hearts. Light, true light turns darkness into light..

Love comes as a foreigner to a fearful heart. Love knows after it has entered fear that it will take time to fully take over. Just like an army when it enters a land has a landing point and storms the land to take over. The army has a plan to take over and conquer the land, to possess the land. Loves knows the journey ahead to conquering a fearful heart. Love knows it must fight fear, pride and shame.

Love knew to do this Love must come in the most peculiar way, in the most unsuspecting manner. Love had to get really small, leaving all glorious beauty behind. Love had to come as a baby in a manager, in the most non-threatening way to ease the fearful heart. Fear tried to kill Love in the beginning in so many different ways, but Love had a bigger purpose than to just enter darkness. Love had to grow up in a dark world and bear the weight of the darkness. Love had to die looking like a failure, a thief, a crazy lunatic.....

Love died for the seeds of life to come forth. What amazing Love?

Unlocking a heart

I'm not really sure where to start with this post. It's really more my life story, but I want to share how the Lord has been moving my heart in such a way that I not contain it anymore.


Over the last month I have been asking the Lord how do people continue to have open and soft hearts towards him day after day, year after year when life seems to beat us up and even in our best efforts we drift from him. I had this revelation in the prayer room today...that I have been trying to get to God without receiving His love and his delight in me. I have been trying to clean up my heart and go the long way which is really destruction. I have stayed at a distance in shame and fear that he would not want me anymore, that he finally got annoyed with me and gave up on forming me into his image. Pain, despair and self-pity have a way of blinding us of what is in front of us. As I have been staying in the prayer room for hours day after day it was like the Lord said, "are you ready to let me in again?" My heart lept with a YES!!! I know that I am made for love and I have felt deprived. Reality, Jesus has love for me every minute of every day that I have access to if I will let him love me. So I will let Him love me for it sets me free.

I'm building His house of prayer

Last week I attended a House of Prayer leadership summit and it totally rocked my world. I went on the verge of wanting to give up and left knowing that I am called to build the Lord's house, a place of His dwelling, a place of His presence, a place of prayer. I want to explain that I had been told by others that if the Lord had not set me (specifically called me) to build His house to not try because the spiritual warfare is too much. As I have transitioned and now have been in the Oak Lawn area for over 3 weeks I know this to be incredibly true. I am in a war of light against darkness. All areas of my life seem to have blown up and have been under attack.
I know, that I know, that I know, that I know, that I know that the Lord has put me here as He has given me the word of the Lord. He has spoken to me that I am called to do this and I have been anointed to lead in this way.
It still amazes me how just hearing God's voice changes everything. I can endure and persevere because I remember what He told me. It does not mean that the road He has me on will not be hard or still under attack by the enemy but I always go back to what He said. His words are an anchor in my soul. I am learning to lean into Him more and learning to lead all at the same. When the lies come flying at me or my brothers and sisters I just keep declaring to my soul, "Be still and know that He is God." When I can not seem to stand and my emotions want to take over I am learning to lift my eyes to the Lord because my help comes from Him.

I'm building His house of prayer.

Jesus is Vulnerable

The King of Kings put His heart on the line.

Jesus left complete communion with the Father and Holy Spirit in all His glory to be a man, to be our brother. He became like the created to relate to you and me. Jesus then chose to get up on a cross, heart exposed, and die for us.
Over the last year and even more so in the last 6 months the Lord has been revealing just how vulnerable He is to me. I can't get over that He hung on a cross with arms completely open asking, "will you have me? will you receive my love? I'm giving everything for you because you're worth it, will you choose to receive me?"
Jesus put his heart on the line. As one that pursues our hearts he put his heart, himself (everything that he is) out there and we could reject or receive him. Just thinking about relationships and how usually a man pursues a woman in that way may help put it into perspective. The man has to have courage and take the risk of being rejected (i.e. being vulnerable for the possibility of love) in asking a woman out and she can respond in two ways, yes I receive your invitation or no; leading to great joy or possibly pain. How crazy that God would do that with us? He gives us a choice thus making himself vulnerable to rejection.
Even after saying yes to Jesus we daily make the decision to receive him or not. We can live our lives walking with him with him or ignoring him.
Jesus' love for us cost him everything, cost him being vulnerable to weak human beings. I'm starting to realize that real love costs you something, self preservation. Jesus not once self protected himself from being hurt or offended. He knowingly walked into pain, rejection, mocking and that was before the cross. He was vulnerable over and over and over and over and over and over again..... He is never not vulnerable to you and me. I pray that I live my life without self preservation, without any hindrance to how I love Jesus and people.
When I think about love I think about Jesus arms wide open on the cross, symbolic of his heart open, ready to give me himself and for me to give myself to him....communion. Now I want to go worship Jesus....love and blessings for now!

Update from an Oak Lawn resident

Currently, I am procrastinating on doing some of the undesirable parts of being a intercessory missionary so instead I am updating my blog for those that are curious how it's going. This first week of being officially in Oak Lawn has been quite interesting. I have experienced a wide range of emotions and encounters in the first couple of days. I'm settling into my new home. I am living with friends from the Upper Room about a block from the Upper Room. My new commute is a 3 minute walk or 1 minute drive. Never in my life has this happened! I just paid off another of my student loans. I started with 5 total at the beginning of the year and now have 3. Praise Jesus! Monday morning I woke up and realized I get to do this for a living. I get to love God and love people as my full time occupation. Living on faith may have some trials to it, but I don't really know how I lived life before. Living day in and day out knowing that God is my provider in every way is one of the most terrifying and exciting adventures that I now know as my reality. I get to spend my days with some of the most fiery and humble men and women I know while praying for revival to come to Dallas and the nation! I get to learn how to give my life away in a whole new way.

On a more personal note, Jesus did a deep work in me during my time at IHOP last week. Jesus says that His love for me is a covenant that will never be removed. Isaiah 54:10 "But my lovingkindness will not be removed from you, And my covenant of peace will not be shaken." This crazy journey of the heart can never be taken from me. Though all things in my life have or will fail, not Jesus' love. He is in a covenant with me. I can't shake Him or annoy Him or push Him away. He will always be good to me. It's who He is. I keep wondering how this happened. How did I end up in a love where I was always the object of his affection, His strong desire for me. Jesus has taken hold of my heart and I just can't let go. I just get to be loved for eternity, caught up in the Love of Father, Son and Holy Spirit! Though He is still healing my broken heart I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but in His arms. He continually wins me over. He did a lot more but I'm going to keep the rest to myself for now. :)

Count Down Is On

After much spiritual warfare and walking in what felt like fire something in my spirit has shifted. It started last Friday when I was waking up, still half way in a dream and I hear that oldies song "Reach Out I'll Be There" by the Four Tops being sung over me. Sometimes I wake up saying phrases and songs because the Lord wants to show me something. Now this oldie song doesn't sound so spiritual as first, but as I looked the song up and listened I was struck by how every word spoke right to what my heart needed to hear. It gave me such encouragement.

One of the main lines is "I'll be there with a love that will shelter you, I'll be there with a love that will see you through..." The Lord just spoke right to my little heart. I was so filled with knowing His eyes are always on me and He's never leaving me. His love will see me through till the end. He HAS me. He knows whats ahead and he totally has me covered.

Later in the day my dear roommate surprised me with a blessing/sending off party to the Upper Room with all my dear friends from Lake Highlands. It was sweet and I am still overwhelmed by their humility to serve and love on me.

I share all that because before last Friday I still had this fear of all the change and how everything was going to work out. But I walked away from Friday with might on the inside. The Lord is setting me like flint to go forward. I've burned all the bridges and all I can go is forward. I have peace and by golly, I'm excited for this new season of my life. I have less than a week of work which is bittersweet and I walk forward to do the very thing the Lord created me to do. I GET to sit at His feet and gaze on His beauty. I GET to hear what is on the heart of the Lord and pray what He tells me to pray because I'm His friend. I GET to worship Him and bless His name because He is worthy. I GET to go deeper into His heart through studying the word. I GET to pray for the sick and see them recover, pray for the demonized and see them set free, raise the dead, ya know the greater works. What joy, what sweetness that something that I have desired for such a long time is becoming a reality. Jesus is so kind. I'll keep delighting myself in the Lord because I know He is for me. Selah

A Familiar Friend

I've come to know a friend on this journey of the heart...longing. As the Lord draws me into His heart He has wounded me with deep, deep, deep longing. This longing is so deep that it is painful. It's not a romantic notion or the warm fuzzy feeling. It is an aching, a hunger, a "if you don't satisfy my heart I might die" type of longing. The only thing I can really somewhat equate it to is losing someone you love, it's that deep.

Longing that is described in Psalm 63, "O God, You are my God; I shall seek you earnestly; my soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, In a dry and weary land where there is no water."

The type of longing that has made me desperate for more of Jesus. The pleasures of this world grow dim compared to the blaring void in my soul without Jesus. Lesser pleasures/other lovers just fade away as a I live reality of longing, thirsting for Jesus.
My soul craves Him, my soul literally cries, it cries to be filled by someone greater than itself. I come empty handed to Jesus day after day crying for Him to come, to come fill me, to come back and make the wrong things right. I find myself with tears as my food longing to know Him, to have more of Him, to see Him rightly, to be close to Him, and for His RETURN!
The Holy Spirit is doing a work in me that my spirit literally cries "COME LORD JESUS!" In this process it's as if at some point I know that every fiber of my being will be screaming this.

BUT, I'm beginning to see that longing is not something that needs to be fixed or healed, but it will be my friend until Jesus' steps onto this earth once again. Longing, aching, even pain, literally mourning the absence of my Beloved Jesus will be my guide until I see His face.
Longing is proof, evidence of His presence in my life. Hallelujah!

I have an anchor in my soul that Jesus is coming back for me and all the tears, all the longing will be gone. For now let the longing, the ache continue to be my friend, jealously guiding me back to the heart of Jesus.

Reclaiming the blog

I decided to reclaim to this blog as I am moving into the next season of my life. I will be using this blog to tell of the happenings of the Upper Room, whats happening in the prayer room, my journey into the heart of Jesus and day to day stuff for all my partners, friends and family that are interested. I pray that this will be a place for you to connect with what the Lord is doing in Oak Lawn, give you a taste of the daily joys and trials of an intercessory missionary and share my heart. Enjoy with a cup of coffee!