The Pursuit

God does not let me go to far. He keeps coming after me. I turn and look at my life and realize it was all about his pursuit for my heart. I'm only 25 and I realize every part of my life has been about Him getting my attention. He was constantly saying my name, calling me home, calling me to his heart. His love remains even when I strayed.
How did I end up in the greatest love I have ever known?
How did I end up here when I said Yes to him?
I had no clue what I was getting myself into.
I may sound cheesy, but it truly does not make sense. I still can not do anything to save myself and he gives me the honor to say yes or no. I get to choose, but after his ruthless pursuit of my heart why would I not say yes? What would be the reason to withhold my love from the Father? From his son, Jesus? From the Holy Spirit, the very spirit of God living in me?
Call me a romantic, call me a heretic, call me whatever you want...but I know that Jesus is alive, that He is real, that He is fully God and fully man, that He loves me and YES, I love him.
So everything in life is part of the processional to the wedding day, the day He returns for me.

Standing On My Freedom

The enemy likes to kill, steal and destroy. He definitely has done so in my life and he keeps trying to creep back in by taking what he Lord has done. While at IHOP the Lord set me free from self-hatred. He also gave some huge breakthrough in fear of man and fear of rejection. I went through some pretty intense healing and thank him for all he has done. In the last few days, the enemy has tried to come in and say that I didn't really become free and that I am back where I was before. In spiritual battle we don't hear a lot of about offensive moves on the enemy, but the Lord has been talking to me about declaring what he has done and keep declaring. So as my attack on enemy grounds I will share my testimony even if it's just to myself. I will stand on the freedom he has given me. I will profess God's goodness in my life. I refuse to let the enemy take back ground in my life.
I profess God's promises to me and that he truly is kind. He is who he says he is. The Lord does not lie and he withholds no good thing from those that fear him. He is good, kind, patient, compassionate, merciful, gracious, loving and the list goes on. May I ever proclaim his goodness!

Been awhile...

So I don't think anyone is checking this thing anymore, but I am writing more for myself anyway.

So I was thinking and these are just thoughts that I have been having, not advice or from a scripture I've been meditating on. I was thinking joy is birthed out of great pain. For me, I can only be grateful for Jesus and what he's done and who he is because he took me to a place where all I saw was my pain, ashes, sin from my life. The joy didn't just appear, it came from staring at him and knowing he's the only thing that can take my pain away. Honestly, as he has filled it, it has only been enough to make me long for more. My heart aches even more than it did in the beginning. So I believe as he stretches me and I groan in pain he will fill it. He's wounded me, ruined me for anything else. I must be filled and satisfied by Jesus' love, the Father's love.

I have experienced so much joy, greater joy than I could ever imagine and I know it's only the beginning. But it came at a high price.
I also think that we always pray for our souls to be restored. My sin nature has corrupted my soul and it's his Spirit living inside of me that restores me but I have to pray for it to manifest in my life.

Being that I understand now that I was in the depths, the mire, the pit and he has raised me, filled me and healed me to the uttermost my heart is grateful. It's so easy to forget sometimes. He's been so good to me. I hated his ways, I hated the truth, his holiness. I wanted to run from it. I truly was offended by God and his ways. I wanted to run my life. But he is jealous for me and he won't let me go. Jesus is bigger than my hatred, than my wickedness. In Psalm 18 it talks about how God keeps our lamps burning and turns our darkness into light. I can't believe that the person I hated wants to restore me, has mercy on me, actually gives me joy, actually turns my wickedness into righteousness!

Anyways, those are some thoughts I been having...

Justice

For those waiting for healing or needing reminders of what God is really like read Psalm 103. Forgetting not his benefits-he forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases, who redeems my life from the pit (my own darkness of heart because of sin) and he crowns me with love and compassion. He satisfies my desires with good things so that my youth is renewed like the eagles (my resolve to keep seeking him is youthful-that I don't grow tired and weary in seeking him).
...As a Father has compassion on his children, so the Lord (my Father) has compassion on those who fear him, for he knows how I am formed (he formed me and knows my MANY weaknesses), he remembers that we are dust (my breathe is but a minute in reality).
My Father works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed. I have confidence that he will work out my faith and make me faithful, that he will vindicate me from what Satan had stolen from me in my life. For the loss and pain I have experienced in my life is not from man for I do not "struggle against flesh and blood but rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." As the Lord heals me I get justice. Every time I get to be part of some one being delivered from what is oppressing them or partaking in a baptism or make a decision to ask Jesus into their hearts (which will also bring justice for that person) or watching a miracle take place in front of my eyes that is justice and I get vindication for my pain. I gain ground against the enemy and by the grace of the Lord I am healed to the uttermost. What the enemy meant for evil he works for good. I see the kingdom break into this world and the Father make his name known. I see his justice and how he provides for me. He's a good Father. He does not withhold.
Now I didn't just come to this revelation with out a lot of time talking with the Lord and crying out to him to heal me. I have spent many hours in the prayer room pleading for him to heal me. This has not been an easy journey because when dealing with pain an easy answer doesn't come quickly. Healing is a process and a miracle is instantaneously. So healing takes time and I know that those that wait on the Lord will renew their strength. I write this as an encouragement to others and myself to keep pressing in to him who works out everything for our good.

Isaiah 54:10
"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed says the Lord, who has compassion on you."
I have been praying for healing of my heart in a certain area for a while. Many tears have been shed because of this. I honestly don't think that I have cried this much in my life as I have in the last few days. It is NOT because of depression, but because true healing is taking place. I cry out to the Lord, the healer and ask for wholeness. I ask for his compassion and I remember that he has compassion on me. He does not look on me with disgust but with loving kindness. He says that I have no need to be afraid as I go forward because I will not suffer shame or humiliation in his hands. That I will forget the shame of my youth or remember the reproach of my widowhood (my own barrenness). He will restore my soul and as I wait for my healing I will seek him. I will seek him while he may be found. I will seek him even when I don't get what I am wanting. I will seek him while it is today because tomorrow is not promised to me. I have a good inheritance. I get his name. I get God. I win, as long as I stay faithful I win! He is my exceedingly great reward! Amen and Amen

Missing the Bridegroom and the decision

"All I want is to know your heart and will you keep me here until we're one."
Things are not ok right now and they won't be until you return for your bride. Things are not ok until you come back. My heart is aching for my bridegroom, Jesus. Things are not ok, nothing will be alright until he returns for me. I'll stay here and watch for him, I'll stay here and fast for him, I'll stay here and wait for him, I'll stay here and mourn for him. At the beginning of every month, IHOP as a corporate body fasts for three days for the return of Jesus. We mourn the absence of Jesus and cry out for his return. He is coming back as a bridegroom for his bride, the body of Christ. He is coming back for a spotless and pure bride. We pray for his return, because it will actually be our prayers that usher in his return to earth. Jesus will come back and fight our enemies. He wins! For now, we mourn and groan with the Holy Spirit for his return until many sons are brought to glory.

So some of you know that I have been going back and for between staying longer and going back to Dallas. My heart has been torn in both directions. Part of me wants to stay in Kansas City forever at IHOP and the other part wants to go back to Dallas and see what the Lord does in the Dallas House of Prayer (HOZ). My prayer has been for revival to awaken in Dallas and then the whole of the U.S. I believe we are on the cusp of a great awakening in the church and where many will be saved. The Lord is not done with the U.S. All that to say I don't ever think I will have a career or a "steady" job. I have realized that is not how I was made. I am a lover of God and I want to spend all my days like Mary of Bethany pouring out my worship on Jesus. Jesus did not consider her to be wasting her time or silly. He said she choose the better thing. She sat at his feet as a disciple. The Lord has given me giftings and talents but I have realized they are probably going to be used in ways I never thought possible. Basically, when the Lord provides the funding my occupation will be a full time intercessory missionary with a mix of some things. I'm an intercessor. He created me to be like John the Baptist, a voice crying in the wilderness. He uses the weak things to glorify his name. So if that means I look crazy to the outside world then let it be. I know why I was created. I know where I belong...right in his presence. Prayer is the weakest (because anyone can do it) but the most powerful thing anyone can do. When I trust he will move on my behalf it gladdens his heart. Because I can't do anything...only he saves, only he delivers, only he heals, only he awakens hearts to his love, only he implements justice. I'm writing this because as I write I am gaining confidence in his leadership to take me back to Dallas. "His rightousness goes before me and the glory of the Lord is my rear guard." (Isaiah 58:8) I still have a month, but I'm already praying for the next season of my life. :)

thoughts

The Lord can handle my unbelief. I came to the realization the other day in the prayer room that the Lord can handle my unbelief and lack of trust in him. He is not worried that I don't believe completely all that he says will happen. I came to this conclusion because I was praying for the Lord to give me a deeper revelation of the cross (something that I have been asking for months). I was so frustrated because I have been asking to know the secrets of God's heart and to love him more. But I can't love him more unless I let him love me. Which comes back to I still can't DO anything for him to love me. He already does and he knows that I can't love him in return without first receiving his love. All that to say sometimes I feel that I should be so much farther along spiritually. I should be mature by now. I have been sitting in his presence everyday for 6 hours (and 12 hours during the revival meetings every weekend) for the last two months doesn't that equate to being a mature believer? By now I am laughing at myself as I think how absurd I sound, but that's how I treat my growing sometimes. But then the Lord gently reminds me that he enjoys me right where I am and then I melt down in his arms and he loves me. I let him embrace me and tell me what he thinks about me. I fall in love all over again and at the end of the day that's all I want. To be loved and be a lover of God. It's all about love. Praise the Lord!

One Test

The one thing we can test God is tithing. I know because the bible says so! Malachi 3:10-12 says, "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouses, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the Lord Almighty, and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it. I will prevent pests from devouring your crops, and the vines in your fields will not case their fruit," says the Lord Almighty. Then all the nations will call you blessed, for your will be a delightful land," says the Lord Almighty."
So I have decided to test the Lord in this because he knows my need. I am not writing this to ask for money just that I really want to see what the Lord will do as I give more than I think I can right now. I trust his leadership and want to depend on him for everything. I'm becoming a stranger to this world and trying to lean on my Father for everything.

Chosen Ones

"Because from the beginning God chose you to be saved through sanctifying work of the Spirit and through belief in the truth."
God chooses us. It's no accident we are here. He actually thought about us before time began and chose when we would live and be created. He chose us to be sons and daughters. So in his choosing I can be confident, my hope, rests in his nature to complete the work he started in me. I have to remember that he chose me and he started this work of faith in me. He sought me out. He initiated this love. He is the pursuer of my heart. His nature is love and peace so I can rely on him to complete the transformation. "The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." He will sanctify/purify me because of his unfailing love and faithful love. It is who he is. I know I am a daughter. I don't have an orphan spirit anymore. I have been adopted into his family and I can never be moved from there. Nothing can shake me from being found in his family and in his heart. I'm starting to realize the meaning of he sets the lonely in families. We are adopted into his family!

I just wanted to share a huge testimony of how the Lord moves at the sound of our voices. He always answers, he moves. A couple nights ago, as a night watch we prayed very intensely for a prayer meeting that was to happen in the morning in Haiti. We prayed for souls to be saved and for the church to be strengthened there. Last night at church a man the directs the Crisis Response organization here at IHOP explained that he just received news that at that prayer meeting thousands of people we saved and baptized into the family of God. I could not contain my excitement over this news. I have been praying for my family for years to be saved and sometimes I start to loose hope. But this testimony so encouraged my heart. He truly moves at the sound of our voices. He is so faithful and even though it might not be my timing when this does happen it will actually strengthen my heart more. It will be his kindness when he answers and in the best way possible. I believe it will happen and he cares so much more about them than I ever could.

wisdom and revelation

This week has been crazy busy and emotional but joy filled at the same time. I just went through two days of inner healing where all my old wounds were open up so that the Lord could heal them correctly. Wow, it was painful but freeing. My heart is so open and awakened to his love.

The last few days the Holy Spirit has been moving even more through revelation of the Father's love and his pursuit for us. He is expanding my ability to hold his presence in more of it's fullness. The fullness of joy is my inheritance as a daughter. My heart is burning to know him and his full presence.

The Lord is giving me revelation of who I am as a lover of God and what he is calling me to do. O Lord, your will be done, your kingdom come. Bring more wisdom and revelation of the beauty of Jesus and the Father's love. Praise him for his jealous pursuit of our hearts!

Eph. 1:17-19

Carving Out A Place

The Lord is carving out a place in me so that I might contain his glory. Meaning that everything must go. All compromise, all lies, all wounds from the past, all fears, and all self has to go. What a painful process?

I am dieing to myself...to my very sinful nature. Where I wouldn't think otherwise the Lord says to go low, and go lower. But the hardest part for me is receiving. I desire to be filled with his love, but my pride gets in the way of his love. It's actually my pride that prevents me from letting him love me. It comes down to still thinking that I have to "do," something to get love when he just wants to give it. I keep talking about this because I don't think I am the only one that struggles with this. Letting God love me is a recurrent theme. It also comes down to a lack of trust which stems from something else that I won't go into now. But I know he longs to fill me and that he is good. His leadership is perfect and he will shepherd me in the just the right way that I can understand and receive his love for me. See he knows my frame and how it works. He knows my mind and my heart-he created them. So he will do exactly what needs to be done to guide me in wisdom and revelation of his love.

All that to say I have to let him love me so that I can love him in return and be transformed into his image.
"I will let you love me
I will let you wash my feet
I will let you serve me
For it sets me free
and it causes me to love you in return"

Psalm 34:5 "Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame." I love this verse because I feel like that is what is happening through this process.

Fire is Like God

My head is spinning with revelation after revelation and my perspective changing (so I apologize if I jump around a lot). We truly have no idea what we don't know about God. So many times I would say that God is like a flame of fire, but in reality it is the fire that is like God. For God to even look at the heavens and the earth is humbling himself. How much more am I to be in awe of him? Psalm 8:4 "what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care of him?"

It's a wonder when the Lord starts unlocking the secrets of his heart to me. I feel so honored and near. He reveals who he is and how he feels about me.

Here is my plug for one of the worship leaders here new cd, Laura Hackett. Her songs just speak to my heart....

"Here With Me Now" by Laura Hackett
Just knowing that your here with me now it changes everything
Just knowing that your here with me now it changes everything
Just knowing that your here with me now it changes everything, Lord
Cause I thought that I had to make it on my own, but you stopped that and claimed as your own
I thought that I had to make it on my own, but you stopped that and called me yours.

Just knowing that your here with me now it changes everything
Just knowing that your here with me now it changes everything
Just knowing that your here with me now it changes everything, Lord

So don't give up on my now cause I'm scared and I need you strong when I'm weak
hold on and believe in me
when my heart just can't figure out what it wants
please give me a reason to trust you'll still fight for me
Just don't give up on my now cause I'm scared and I need you strong when I weak
hold on me and believe in me
when my heart just cant figure out what it wants
please give me a reason to trust you'll still fight for me

"There's a Gap"
What I do here in the waiting
what do I do with my unsatisfied heart
what do I do here in the waiting
here in the tension of believing again and again and again
cause there's a lack, there's a gap in my soul
between the things that I believe and I know
there's a lack, there's a gap in my soul
between the things that I believe and I know

Holy Spirit you who fill
all in all, come and fill me
Holy Spirit come hold me together

What do I do here in the waiting
what do I do with with my unsatisifed heart
what do I do here in the waiting
here in the tension of believing again and again and again
There's a lack, there's a gap in my soul
between the things that I believe and I know
Holy Spirit you who fill
all in all, come and fill me
Holy Spirit come hold me together
I fall into grace again
I fall into grace again
I fall into grace again like a child I am

Maybe tomorrow my thoughts will make more sense.

The Holy Spirit and Rewards

The Holy Spirit lives inside of me. The Holy Spirit lives inside of me. The Holy Spirit lives inside of me...

Once a week, interns in Fire In The Night have Connection Time with Stuart Greaves where we get to ask him any questions that we have. He is the Director of the Night Watch. He wrecked my whole world view with what he had to say last night. He said, "The kingdom of God is not a place it's a person." I actually have had this same revelation before but on a smaller level. After he said that and went on to say that all the power of God, the portion that is allotted to me, is inside of me I lost it. I actually realized that I am not alone. I couldn't contain the tears anymore. The living God of who I have felt like I need to search elsewhere to find, lives in my heart. The power of pride, false humility, lust, whatever is no comparison to the power that lives in me.
This means so many things for me. I still have to cultivate the soil in my heart, but I have access. God truly came near. This means that he has the power to change my heart because he lives in me.

Second thought, God actually gives us what we want. Meaning when I get to heaven if I live my life like I didn't want to be near Jesus then even though I am saved I probably won't be near him in the New Millennium. He might give me something else to do, but I won't see him face to face daily because he is fully human (even though he is God being human means he won't be everywhere). God actually gives us rewards for what we do on earth. I don't mean we have to strive to achieve something for him on earth, but that the way we live will reflect the type of reward he gives us (how close we are to Jesus). This actually has hit me the hardest since being here because it brings up how I have been living. I don't do "bad" things, but they don't always cultivate intimacy with Jesus or serve his heart. Oh, that I would be a lovesick worshiper. May that be my main occupation forever!

Stuart also shared a vision that another man had after he had been praying for the Lord to give him rest/sleep. This man was 38 years old at that time. This line keeps going through my head:
"I have moved through many, rested in few but I have not rested in you in 38 years."

Fear of the Lord and other thoughts

I am realizing it is truly a delight to fear the Lord. If I fear him than I am not putting anything else above him and that is actually freeing. I don't have the fear of what others think of me because I fear the Lord. I don't have to fear death because just his word holds me together, literally holds my body together. If he stopped speaking my name I would literally cease to exist. I would not die or turn into a puff of smoke I would just not be anymore. That enlightenment into his awesome power has actually made me love him more. The fear of the Lord actually makes me turn from sin to him. He loves clingy, needy people (those that are poor in spirit). When I start thinking I can beat sin by myself without asking for his help then I am actually walking farther away from him and into more sin. I have to humble myself and say "I NEED YOU JESUS!" He actually comes to me then and fills me with his love in my weakness. I don't have to strive, but let him love me. How many years have I been living under the burden that I have to make myself holy and good? I was never meant to do that. By resting in his love he actually changes me. I actually get transformed which is the cry of my heart all along. The winds have come in my life to make me realize that I NEED him, to truly cling to him.

Song of Songs says "who is this coming up from the desert leaning on her lover?"...how I hope people say that about me. That I cling to Jesus in the desert seasons of life because I know his love is better than the pleasures of this world in my weakness. Instead of getting bitter when I don't feel God's presence or when pressure comes I would cling to his name because I have experienced the passionate, fiery love of Jesus.

One more thing, as I am experiencing the Awakening I realize that he does not stop giving his love. Meaning I for some reason thought the Lord gave me a little of his love and that should be fine but he actually delights in filling my heart with love and joy. He does not tire in giving me himself. He is faithful to bring my faith into completion all because he went to the cross. He loved me to the end.

Growing Pains

So if any of you have seen the Awakening meetings they talk a lot about fire from the Holy Spirit. I didn't completely understand what that meant at first. For me I thought it meant fire for boldness to proclaim the gospel. I realize now it is so much more than that. The fire we are praying for is the fire of the Holy Spirit to melt away all the callouses on my heart to be able to know and experience God. He really is a jealous lover and wants all our hearts. He is will do whatever it takes to have our whole hearts. I received revelation the last few days of why some events have happened in the past. He was using the events to make me choose...to stop having a divided heart. I could still make a decision for or against him, but I know he chased me down. His love is so much more than I can understand. He truly wants to actually give me himself in place of my dark heart.

Sarah Edwards is a worship leader here at IHOP and her songs have ministered to my heart in this time of great growth and pain. Here are the lyrics to Dark but Lovely:


"I can’t understand this work of grace
How a perfect God would come and take my place
I can’t understand this work of grace
How a perfect God would come and take my place
The stars they don’t move You
The waves can’t undo You
Mountains in their splendor they cannot steal your heart
This God who is holy
Perfect in beauty
Awesome in glory Is ravished by my heart
Though I’m poor you say I am lovely
Though I’m dark you say I am beautiful
Though I’m poor you say I am lovely
Though I’m dark you say I am beautiful
Somehow my weak glance has overwhelmed You
And somehow my weak love it has stolen away Your heart
I can’t understand this work of grace
How a perfect God would come and take my place"

My heart can actually rest in Jesus, just letting him love me.

"I'll let you love me while I'm growing...I'll stop my striving...I'll keep running into you, into that heart of kindness. You don't despise my growing, you don't despise my journey. Good Shepherd of my soul. You love mercy...you love mercy."

HMMM

So I am finding out more of why I am here. I just thought I was following Jesus and spending time with him. He has much more in store for me as I am finding out. As I sit in his presence and soak in his love I am being convicted of so many things. One of them being judging people. I did not think this was something that I struggled with, but as I am taking all my thoughts captive and saying "I want to love what you love and hate what you hate," I find there is more of a critical spirit than I thought. So when thoughts pop up I do my best to say scripture over that person and it is changing my heart. It is changing how I view people and how I interact with them.He also has in store some "major," healing for my heart. Lies that I have listened too and effected my thought life are coming to light. I struggle with feeling rejected a lot of the time. There has been some healing in the last 6 months, but he wants to do more in this. I am so used to people, particularly men in my life saying one thing and doing another. Leaving me when I feel comfortable with them. Making promises and not keeping them. I have been realizing that is how I view God sometimes. That he will get close and then leave right when I feel comfortable, just getting close enough and then walking away. I realize I have my part in those past relationships, but that is all I have known. I have told myself for a long time that people don't see me, they don't remember me, they don't care about me and I told myself that I am "ok," with that, but not any more. As you can imagine now that I am working through these things many emotions are coming up. Emotions that I have not let myself feel in a long time. Who wants to feel rejected and go through all those emotions, right?Anyway, so I am working through a lot all while Christ is being revealed to me. That continues to be my prayer and focus of the Holy Spirit revealing Jesus to me. He is so good to do it. I am seeing his kindness, his goodness, his leadership in my life. I think back on my life and different situations where I see Jesus' leadership and lordship over my life. I am in awe of who he is. This man that cares about my heart.I wrote this a few weeks ago and wanted to share on some revelation that I had. It's kind of intimate just to give a warning. :)"

I am struck by your beauty, your sweet way of wooing me. I am in awe of what you are doing. You could have left me in pain, despair and grief. But you picked me up and held me. You held me and wouldn’t let me go. My heart was crying out, bleeding from the brokenness and your softly covered me. Your grace poured out from your eyes. I looked away again to other lovers, but I knew those eyes of yours held healing and freedom. I looked again and melted by the grace pouring out. I looked and knew no fear. I looked and found a familiar friend. You were there all along. You never left, you never left. You never left your Beloved. I am your Beloved, your desire is for me. I am learning your sweetness, your true love, powerful and mighty love, the best kind of love. Real LOVE!"

Adjusting

So this is my first official post being at the IHOP. I am not really sure where to start. Yesterday was my first day of orientation that will last until Monday. The schedule is pretty intense and it will take some real adjusting to change my schedule. Last night we stayed up till 4am to start getting acclimated. Eye masks, ear plugs and black out curtains are my friends. There are a lot of rules and policies to abide by. It definitely feels like going to college all over again. This season will teach me a lot about spiritual discipline and how to serve others in their weakness (and mine as well).

It’s only the second day, but I am falling in love with the prayer room. I know there is so much more to come, but meeting with God for such extended periods of time satisfies my soul. I feel that he is going to reveal more of what that means for me in the coming months.

Also, I’ve heard that people that have dreams and visions usually have an increase when they come to Kansas City. I’m not going to go into detail but that has been true so far for me.

Tonight I start going to the Awakening meetings. Check them out if you get the chance at IHOP.org. The Holy Spirit is definitely moving and setting so many people free from depression, self-hatred, addiction, fear, emotional wounds and the list goes on. It’s exciting to witness them first hand.