Fire is Like God

My head is spinning with revelation after revelation and my perspective changing (so I apologize if I jump around a lot). We truly have no idea what we don't know about God. So many times I would say that God is like a flame of fire, but in reality it is the fire that is like God. For God to even look at the heavens and the earth is humbling himself. How much more am I to be in awe of him? Psalm 8:4 "what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care of him?"

It's a wonder when the Lord starts unlocking the secrets of his heart to me. I feel so honored and near. He reveals who he is and how he feels about me.

Here is my plug for one of the worship leaders here new cd, Laura Hackett. Her songs just speak to my heart....

"Here With Me Now" by Laura Hackett
Just knowing that your here with me now it changes everything
Just knowing that your here with me now it changes everything
Just knowing that your here with me now it changes everything, Lord
Cause I thought that I had to make it on my own, but you stopped that and claimed as your own
I thought that I had to make it on my own, but you stopped that and called me yours.

Just knowing that your here with me now it changes everything
Just knowing that your here with me now it changes everything
Just knowing that your here with me now it changes everything, Lord

So don't give up on my now cause I'm scared and I need you strong when I'm weak
hold on and believe in me
when my heart just can't figure out what it wants
please give me a reason to trust you'll still fight for me
Just don't give up on my now cause I'm scared and I need you strong when I weak
hold on me and believe in me
when my heart just cant figure out what it wants
please give me a reason to trust you'll still fight for me

"There's a Gap"
What I do here in the waiting
what do I do with my unsatisfied heart
what do I do here in the waiting
here in the tension of believing again and again and again
cause there's a lack, there's a gap in my soul
between the things that I believe and I know
there's a lack, there's a gap in my soul
between the things that I believe and I know

Holy Spirit you who fill
all in all, come and fill me
Holy Spirit come hold me together

What do I do here in the waiting
what do I do with with my unsatisifed heart
what do I do here in the waiting
here in the tension of believing again and again and again
There's a lack, there's a gap in my soul
between the things that I believe and I know
Holy Spirit you who fill
all in all, come and fill me
Holy Spirit come hold me together
I fall into grace again
I fall into grace again
I fall into grace again like a child I am

Maybe tomorrow my thoughts will make more sense.

The Holy Spirit and Rewards

The Holy Spirit lives inside of me. The Holy Spirit lives inside of me. The Holy Spirit lives inside of me...

Once a week, interns in Fire In The Night have Connection Time with Stuart Greaves where we get to ask him any questions that we have. He is the Director of the Night Watch. He wrecked my whole world view with what he had to say last night. He said, "The kingdom of God is not a place it's a person." I actually have had this same revelation before but on a smaller level. After he said that and went on to say that all the power of God, the portion that is allotted to me, is inside of me I lost it. I actually realized that I am not alone. I couldn't contain the tears anymore. The living God of who I have felt like I need to search elsewhere to find, lives in my heart. The power of pride, false humility, lust, whatever is no comparison to the power that lives in me.
This means so many things for me. I still have to cultivate the soil in my heart, but I have access. God truly came near. This means that he has the power to change my heart because he lives in me.

Second thought, God actually gives us what we want. Meaning when I get to heaven if I live my life like I didn't want to be near Jesus then even though I am saved I probably won't be near him in the New Millennium. He might give me something else to do, but I won't see him face to face daily because he is fully human (even though he is God being human means he won't be everywhere). God actually gives us rewards for what we do on earth. I don't mean we have to strive to achieve something for him on earth, but that the way we live will reflect the type of reward he gives us (how close we are to Jesus). This actually has hit me the hardest since being here because it brings up how I have been living. I don't do "bad" things, but they don't always cultivate intimacy with Jesus or serve his heart. Oh, that I would be a lovesick worshiper. May that be my main occupation forever!

Stuart also shared a vision that another man had after he had been praying for the Lord to give him rest/sleep. This man was 38 years old at that time. This line keeps going through my head:
"I have moved through many, rested in few but I have not rested in you in 38 years."

Fear of the Lord and other thoughts

I am realizing it is truly a delight to fear the Lord. If I fear him than I am not putting anything else above him and that is actually freeing. I don't have the fear of what others think of me because I fear the Lord. I don't have to fear death because just his word holds me together, literally holds my body together. If he stopped speaking my name I would literally cease to exist. I would not die or turn into a puff of smoke I would just not be anymore. That enlightenment into his awesome power has actually made me love him more. The fear of the Lord actually makes me turn from sin to him. He loves clingy, needy people (those that are poor in spirit). When I start thinking I can beat sin by myself without asking for his help then I am actually walking farther away from him and into more sin. I have to humble myself and say "I NEED YOU JESUS!" He actually comes to me then and fills me with his love in my weakness. I don't have to strive, but let him love me. How many years have I been living under the burden that I have to make myself holy and good? I was never meant to do that. By resting in his love he actually changes me. I actually get transformed which is the cry of my heart all along. The winds have come in my life to make me realize that I NEED him, to truly cling to him.

Song of Songs says "who is this coming up from the desert leaning on her lover?"...how I hope people say that about me. That I cling to Jesus in the desert seasons of life because I know his love is better than the pleasures of this world in my weakness. Instead of getting bitter when I don't feel God's presence or when pressure comes I would cling to his name because I have experienced the passionate, fiery love of Jesus.

One more thing, as I am experiencing the Awakening I realize that he does not stop giving his love. Meaning I for some reason thought the Lord gave me a little of his love and that should be fine but he actually delights in filling my heart with love and joy. He does not tire in giving me himself. He is faithful to bring my faith into completion all because he went to the cross. He loved me to the end.

Growing Pains

So if any of you have seen the Awakening meetings they talk a lot about fire from the Holy Spirit. I didn't completely understand what that meant at first. For me I thought it meant fire for boldness to proclaim the gospel. I realize now it is so much more than that. The fire we are praying for is the fire of the Holy Spirit to melt away all the callouses on my heart to be able to know and experience God. He really is a jealous lover and wants all our hearts. He is will do whatever it takes to have our whole hearts. I received revelation the last few days of why some events have happened in the past. He was using the events to make me choose...to stop having a divided heart. I could still make a decision for or against him, but I know he chased me down. His love is so much more than I can understand. He truly wants to actually give me himself in place of my dark heart.

Sarah Edwards is a worship leader here at IHOP and her songs have ministered to my heart in this time of great growth and pain. Here are the lyrics to Dark but Lovely:


"I can’t understand this work of grace
How a perfect God would come and take my place
I can’t understand this work of grace
How a perfect God would come and take my place
The stars they don’t move You
The waves can’t undo You
Mountains in their splendor they cannot steal your heart
This God who is holy
Perfect in beauty
Awesome in glory Is ravished by my heart
Though I’m poor you say I am lovely
Though I’m dark you say I am beautiful
Though I’m poor you say I am lovely
Though I’m dark you say I am beautiful
Somehow my weak glance has overwhelmed You
And somehow my weak love it has stolen away Your heart
I can’t understand this work of grace
How a perfect God would come and take my place"

My heart can actually rest in Jesus, just letting him love me.

"I'll let you love me while I'm growing...I'll stop my striving...I'll keep running into you, into that heart of kindness. You don't despise my growing, you don't despise my journey. Good Shepherd of my soul. You love mercy...you love mercy."

HMMM

So I am finding out more of why I am here. I just thought I was following Jesus and spending time with him. He has much more in store for me as I am finding out. As I sit in his presence and soak in his love I am being convicted of so many things. One of them being judging people. I did not think this was something that I struggled with, but as I am taking all my thoughts captive and saying "I want to love what you love and hate what you hate," I find there is more of a critical spirit than I thought. So when thoughts pop up I do my best to say scripture over that person and it is changing my heart. It is changing how I view people and how I interact with them.He also has in store some "major," healing for my heart. Lies that I have listened too and effected my thought life are coming to light. I struggle with feeling rejected a lot of the time. There has been some healing in the last 6 months, but he wants to do more in this. I am so used to people, particularly men in my life saying one thing and doing another. Leaving me when I feel comfortable with them. Making promises and not keeping them. I have been realizing that is how I view God sometimes. That he will get close and then leave right when I feel comfortable, just getting close enough and then walking away. I realize I have my part in those past relationships, but that is all I have known. I have told myself for a long time that people don't see me, they don't remember me, they don't care about me and I told myself that I am "ok," with that, but not any more. As you can imagine now that I am working through these things many emotions are coming up. Emotions that I have not let myself feel in a long time. Who wants to feel rejected and go through all those emotions, right?Anyway, so I am working through a lot all while Christ is being revealed to me. That continues to be my prayer and focus of the Holy Spirit revealing Jesus to me. He is so good to do it. I am seeing his kindness, his goodness, his leadership in my life. I think back on my life and different situations where I see Jesus' leadership and lordship over my life. I am in awe of who he is. This man that cares about my heart.I wrote this a few weeks ago and wanted to share on some revelation that I had. It's kind of intimate just to give a warning. :)"

I am struck by your beauty, your sweet way of wooing me. I am in awe of what you are doing. You could have left me in pain, despair and grief. But you picked me up and held me. You held me and wouldn’t let me go. My heart was crying out, bleeding from the brokenness and your softly covered me. Your grace poured out from your eyes. I looked away again to other lovers, but I knew those eyes of yours held healing and freedom. I looked again and melted by the grace pouring out. I looked and knew no fear. I looked and found a familiar friend. You were there all along. You never left, you never left. You never left your Beloved. I am your Beloved, your desire is for me. I am learning your sweetness, your true love, powerful and mighty love, the best kind of love. Real LOVE!"

Adjusting

So this is my first official post being at the IHOP. I am not really sure where to start. Yesterday was my first day of orientation that will last until Monday. The schedule is pretty intense and it will take some real adjusting to change my schedule. Last night we stayed up till 4am to start getting acclimated. Eye masks, ear plugs and black out curtains are my friends. There are a lot of rules and policies to abide by. It definitely feels like going to college all over again. This season will teach me a lot about spiritual discipline and how to serve others in their weakness (and mine as well).

It’s only the second day, but I am falling in love with the prayer room. I know there is so much more to come, but meeting with God for such extended periods of time satisfies my soul. I feel that he is going to reveal more of what that means for me in the coming months.

Also, I’ve heard that people that have dreams and visions usually have an increase when they come to Kansas City. I’m not going to go into detail but that has been true so far for me.

Tonight I start going to the Awakening meetings. Check them out if you get the chance at IHOP.org. The Holy Spirit is definitely moving and setting so many people free from depression, self-hatred, addiction, fear, emotional wounds and the list goes on. It’s exciting to witness them first hand.