A Familiar Friend

I've come to know a friend on this journey of the heart...longing. As the Lord draws me into His heart He has wounded me with deep, deep, deep longing. This longing is so deep that it is painful. It's not a romantic notion or the warm fuzzy feeling. It is an aching, a hunger, a "if you don't satisfy my heart I might die" type of longing. The only thing I can really somewhat equate it to is losing someone you love, it's that deep.

Longing that is described in Psalm 63, "O God, You are my God; I shall seek you earnestly; my soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, In a dry and weary land where there is no water."

The type of longing that has made me desperate for more of Jesus. The pleasures of this world grow dim compared to the blaring void in my soul without Jesus. Lesser pleasures/other lovers just fade away as a I live reality of longing, thirsting for Jesus.
My soul craves Him, my soul literally cries, it cries to be filled by someone greater than itself. I come empty handed to Jesus day after day crying for Him to come, to come fill me, to come back and make the wrong things right. I find myself with tears as my food longing to know Him, to have more of Him, to see Him rightly, to be close to Him, and for His RETURN!
The Holy Spirit is doing a work in me that my spirit literally cries "COME LORD JESUS!" In this process it's as if at some point I know that every fiber of my being will be screaming this.

BUT, I'm beginning to see that longing is not something that needs to be fixed or healed, but it will be my friend until Jesus' steps onto this earth once again. Longing, aching, even pain, literally mourning the absence of my Beloved Jesus will be my guide until I see His face.
Longing is proof, evidence of His presence in my life. Hallelujah!

I have an anchor in my soul that Jesus is coming back for me and all the tears, all the longing will be gone. For now let the longing, the ache continue to be my friend, jealously guiding me back to the heart of Jesus.

Reclaiming the blog

I decided to reclaim to this blog as I am moving into the next season of my life. I will be using this blog to tell of the happenings of the Upper Room, whats happening in the prayer room, my journey into the heart of Jesus and day to day stuff for all my partners, friends and family that are interested. I pray that this will be a place for you to connect with what the Lord is doing in Oak Lawn, give you a taste of the daily joys and trials of an intercessory missionary and share my heart. Enjoy with a cup of coffee!

The Pursuit

God does not let me go to far. He keeps coming after me. I turn and look at my life and realize it was all about his pursuit for my heart. I'm only 25 and I realize every part of my life has been about Him getting my attention. He was constantly saying my name, calling me home, calling me to his heart. His love remains even when I strayed.
How did I end up in the greatest love I have ever known?
How did I end up here when I said Yes to him?
I had no clue what I was getting myself into.
I may sound cheesy, but it truly does not make sense. I still can not do anything to save myself and he gives me the honor to say yes or no. I get to choose, but after his ruthless pursuit of my heart why would I not say yes? What would be the reason to withhold my love from the Father? From his son, Jesus? From the Holy Spirit, the very spirit of God living in me?
Call me a romantic, call me a heretic, call me whatever you want...but I know that Jesus is alive, that He is real, that He is fully God and fully man, that He loves me and YES, I love him.
So everything in life is part of the processional to the wedding day, the day He returns for me.

Standing On My Freedom

The enemy likes to kill, steal and destroy. He definitely has done so in my life and he keeps trying to creep back in by taking what he Lord has done. While at IHOP the Lord set me free from self-hatred. He also gave some huge breakthrough in fear of man and fear of rejection. I went through some pretty intense healing and thank him for all he has done. In the last few days, the enemy has tried to come in and say that I didn't really become free and that I am back where I was before. In spiritual battle we don't hear a lot of about offensive moves on the enemy, but the Lord has been talking to me about declaring what he has done and keep declaring. So as my attack on enemy grounds I will share my testimony even if it's just to myself. I will stand on the freedom he has given me. I will profess God's goodness in my life. I refuse to let the enemy take back ground in my life.
I profess God's promises to me and that he truly is kind. He is who he says he is. The Lord does not lie and he withholds no good thing from those that fear him. He is good, kind, patient, compassionate, merciful, gracious, loving and the list goes on. May I ever proclaim his goodness!

Been awhile...

So I don't think anyone is checking this thing anymore, but I am writing more for myself anyway.

So I was thinking and these are just thoughts that I have been having, not advice or from a scripture I've been meditating on. I was thinking joy is birthed out of great pain. For me, I can only be grateful for Jesus and what he's done and who he is because he took me to a place where all I saw was my pain, ashes, sin from my life. The joy didn't just appear, it came from staring at him and knowing he's the only thing that can take my pain away. Honestly, as he has filled it, it has only been enough to make me long for more. My heart aches even more than it did in the beginning. So I believe as he stretches me and I groan in pain he will fill it. He's wounded me, ruined me for anything else. I must be filled and satisfied by Jesus' love, the Father's love.

I have experienced so much joy, greater joy than I could ever imagine and I know it's only the beginning. But it came at a high price.
I also think that we always pray for our souls to be restored. My sin nature has corrupted my soul and it's his Spirit living inside of me that restores me but I have to pray for it to manifest in my life.

Being that I understand now that I was in the depths, the mire, the pit and he has raised me, filled me and healed me to the uttermost my heart is grateful. It's so easy to forget sometimes. He's been so good to me. I hated his ways, I hated the truth, his holiness. I wanted to run from it. I truly was offended by God and his ways. I wanted to run my life. But he is jealous for me and he won't let me go. Jesus is bigger than my hatred, than my wickedness. In Psalm 18 it talks about how God keeps our lamps burning and turns our darkness into light. I can't believe that the person I hated wants to restore me, has mercy on me, actually gives me joy, actually turns my wickedness into righteousness!

Anyways, those are some thoughts I been having...

Justice

For those waiting for healing or needing reminders of what God is really like read Psalm 103. Forgetting not his benefits-he forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases, who redeems my life from the pit (my own darkness of heart because of sin) and he crowns me with love and compassion. He satisfies my desires with good things so that my youth is renewed like the eagles (my resolve to keep seeking him is youthful-that I don't grow tired and weary in seeking him).
...As a Father has compassion on his children, so the Lord (my Father) has compassion on those who fear him, for he knows how I am formed (he formed me and knows my MANY weaknesses), he remembers that we are dust (my breathe is but a minute in reality).
My Father works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed. I have confidence that he will work out my faith and make me faithful, that he will vindicate me from what Satan had stolen from me in my life. For the loss and pain I have experienced in my life is not from man for I do not "struggle against flesh and blood but rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." As the Lord heals me I get justice. Every time I get to be part of some one being delivered from what is oppressing them or partaking in a baptism or make a decision to ask Jesus into their hearts (which will also bring justice for that person) or watching a miracle take place in front of my eyes that is justice and I get vindication for my pain. I gain ground against the enemy and by the grace of the Lord I am healed to the uttermost. What the enemy meant for evil he works for good. I see the kingdom break into this world and the Father make his name known. I see his justice and how he provides for me. He's a good Father. He does not withhold.
Now I didn't just come to this revelation with out a lot of time talking with the Lord and crying out to him to heal me. I have spent many hours in the prayer room pleading for him to heal me. This has not been an easy journey because when dealing with pain an easy answer doesn't come quickly. Healing is a process and a miracle is instantaneously. So healing takes time and I know that those that wait on the Lord will renew their strength. I write this as an encouragement to others and myself to keep pressing in to him who works out everything for our good.

Isaiah 54:10
"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed says the Lord, who has compassion on you."
I have been praying for healing of my heart in a certain area for a while. Many tears have been shed because of this. I honestly don't think that I have cried this much in my life as I have in the last few days. It is NOT because of depression, but because true healing is taking place. I cry out to the Lord, the healer and ask for wholeness. I ask for his compassion and I remember that he has compassion on me. He does not look on me with disgust but with loving kindness. He says that I have no need to be afraid as I go forward because I will not suffer shame or humiliation in his hands. That I will forget the shame of my youth or remember the reproach of my widowhood (my own barrenness). He will restore my soul and as I wait for my healing I will seek him. I will seek him while he may be found. I will seek him even when I don't get what I am wanting. I will seek him while it is today because tomorrow is not promised to me. I have a good inheritance. I get his name. I get God. I win, as long as I stay faithful I win! He is my exceedingly great reward! Amen and Amen